


Seeds of Hope

by Dead_walking



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 14:09:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dead_walking/pseuds/Dead_walking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over the course of his journey, Finn lost the armor that came to define him but gained a jacket and a name. He may have lost the jacket but he's thankful he was able to retain the foundation of an identity that is still his to create. </p><p>Or the story where Finn struggles to find his place after Rey's departure but he finds Poe along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seeds of Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Dear lord help me, I'm stormpilot trash. Please feel free to send me a line on [TUMBLR](http://dead-walking.tumblr.com/) or request prompts!

When Finn wakes, he swears he feels the ghost of lips upon his brow. A small and unassuming medic tells him it's just the medication working though his system and recommends he lay still. But Finn's mind is racing with memories of the Starkiller, of the forest and Kylo Ren and _oh stars_ \- 

Overpowering the arm that's holding his shoulder down, Finn bolts upright until there's an explosive pain where his head should be. As the edges of his vision turn from white to gray to black, he manages to mouth _Rey_ , before he falls back into unconsciousness. 

Finn wakes for good on the sixth day and has to force himself to take things slowly. Testing his range of motion, he makes a fist with his fingers and stretches them out, repeats. Moving on to his arms, he lifts them until he can rotate his wrists then carefully rolls his shoulders. He only mildly cringes when turning his head to the right pulls at his wounds but he bets the serum is still pumping through his veins, dulling his nerves to take away the worst of the pain. Unfortunately for Finn, there isn't a serum in the galaxy that can dull the pain of Rey's departure, especially knowing the danger she is undoubtedly putting herself in by searching for Luke Skywalker.

If it wasn't for the scars slowly setting themselves into his skin, Finn would swear that the serum was morphing his memory, twisting his thoughts until he had a name instead of a number, where he fought alongside those who his fellow troopers only dared whisper about. Any doubt is quickly wiped away by the overwhelming need to find Rey and make sure she is alive and well. Finn followed her to the Starkiller and back, he's determined to follow her wherever she goes.

If he just needed determination, Finn would already be back on his feet heading towards the first ship he could find. As it stands, determination does little to summon enough energy to sit up, let alone dash off in Rey's footsteps. Here he is, surrounded by legends and he can barely sit upright to feed himself. Useless, he thinks, as he struggles with the smallest of movement. He's defective, no better than an engine that's been shot through by a laser cannon. Were he back on the Starkiller, they would have terminated him for wasting resources if they even brought him back from the planet at all. Finn doesn't know what the Resistance thinks he can do for them but he knows this isn’t his place. He should be on the Falcon with Rey instead of taking up a cot in the medical ward and the thought hits him harder than the lightsaber that nearly separated his spine and tendons in his shoulder. It's too soon to tell whether Poe's jacket was thick enough to prevent permanent damage. If not, he may never be able to help Rey again. 

He doesn't think about the moisture collecting in the pockets of his eyes, refuses to acknowledge the tremors that are rocking his body like an asteroid field. 

He thought he found purpose with Rey only to have it stripped away and he has no idea where that leaves him.

:: 

Things become mildly easier when Poe is allowed to visit him on the fourth day, but not much.

"You wouldn't believe the bribes they ignored keeping me out of here," Poe says, more to the medic that pointedly ignores him as he walks into the room. He's practically radiating with energy and Finn feels his body exhale with his presence.

"You wouldn't believe what it took to keep him out of here," the medic replies, concentrating on finishing up whatever notes she's writing. Pausing monetarily, she glances towards Poe and warns him: "Don't rile him up too much, Dameron. He has a long way to go and needs as much rest as he can get," before she's tucking away her instruments and walking out of the door. 

Sure enough, there's a confident smirk that's coming to define Poe already pulling at his lips as he takes a seat next to the bed. Finn's been a soldier since birth, trained to spot the subtleties of weariness in the pinched muscles of his enemies to use for his advantage. The same training helps him see through Poe's smile, though he doesn't have to look hard as the Pilot's eyes are hallowed out and tired, shadowed over in a haze of unease that comes from sleepless nights. It's a look Finn became well acquainted with weeks before he actually found the courage to defect from the First Order. It's a look that likely results from the fact that while they managed to take down the Starkiller, Kylo Ren and Snoke are still out there and no one is safe until they're found. 

Pushing up on his elbows, Finn bites back a groan before he feels a hand on his shoulder. Unlike the medic's before his, Poe's hand is warm and more welcomed than it likely should be. Whether it's residual stress over learning about Rey, or the fact that Finn's just now decompressing from the whirlwind he was caught up in, Finn finds himself wishing Poe would leave his hand there, if only for a second longer. There's something about the self-assured way Poe reaches out for him that makes Finn feel safe, like's he's tucked away behind a barrier and he wants to lock the feeling away. Following the unfortunate pattern of things not going as planned in Finn's his life, Poe's hand moves away as quickly as it came. 

"Not so fast buddy," Poe says, gently. "Have to say I'm with the medic on this one. It's better to take these things slow, trust me."

Trust me, Poe says, because he may be a damn good pilot, but Poe's also a soldier and likely not a stranger to a medical unit. It takes half a second to remember the blood that was caked onto the sides of Poe's face when Finn found him, even less to remember the laughter of the troopers who had loosened him up for Kylo Ren. Trust me, Poe says, because he may still be recovering from his own wounds, but he's here to help Finn through his, too. 

And the hell of the thing is, Finn doesn't deserve it. He may have helped Poe escape but he wasn't brave enough to protect him when it mattered. He couldn't protect Poe then, just like he can't protect Rey now, and there's nothing remotely useful about a solider who's too weak to stand up on his feet and fight. Whatever value Poe believes Finn has here is misguided. There is no value in a broken soldier and that's exactly what Finn is, a broken soldier who couldn't help his friends when they needed him most.  
Not for the first time since he woke up, Finn finds himself thinking that he isn't good enough to be here. Not next to Poe, who's the best pilot the Resistance has ever seen, certainly no next to General Organa who help bring the destruction of the Empire. Despite all of it, Poe's somehow sitting next to him like there's nowhere else he can possible think of being. 

Finn's suddenly at a loss for words but Poe finds some for him: "You ruined my jacket," he says without any real malice, then adds: "it was a good jacket."

"I thought it was my jacket," Finn responds, and finds himself smiling despite everything. 

When Poe smiles back at him, Finn feels light headed but this time he doesn’t think he can blame it on the serum. 

"Remind me not to get you anymore nice things," Poe replies but then twitches his lip as if he regrets saying it. "We'll get you another one," he adds quickly. "Besides, I couldn't really have you walking around making me look bad in my clothes. I have a reputation to keep up with the new recruits." 

Over the course of his journey, Finn lost the armor that came to define him but gained a jacket and a name. He may have lost the jacket but he's thankful he was able to retain the foundation of an identity that is still his to create. 

Saving Poe was supposed to be a means to an end, and while he didn't quite have it mapped out, this certainly isn't what Finn imagined. Catching the first ship towards the Outer Rim somehow turned into bunking down at the base that’s one the front lines of the fight against the First Order. Finn doesn’t have the mental energy to figure out how that came to pass but he’s thankful for the things he managed to pick up along the way. One of those things being Poe.

"I don't think you have to worry about me ruining your image with anyone. You're amazing, Poe," Finn confesses easily. "Captain Phasma would have left me behind and the Resistance didn't have to take me in either, not like this.”

The strained look in Poe's eyes somehow worsens and Finn is suddenly struck by a pang of guilty that he may be adding to Poe’s concern. The pilot has enough to think about without Finn's well-being clogging up space that should be reserved for strategy details and defenses. 

"Of course we did," Poe assures him like it's just that simple. "We don't give up on our own."

Finn was taken as a child but he was never fully accepted on the Starkiller. They called him an outside and refused to give him a nickname, and yet, in the course of days he somehow suddenly belongs.

::

Finn wakes with a sob in his throat.

He dreams of blood spreading across a pristine white helmet, of a cry that echoes off the walls. He dreams of Rey and the ocean and of Poe strapped down in a chair.

Finn dreams, but he mostly dreams of darkness creeping over the land.

::

Healing takes longer than Finn anticipated. Poe's a welcome distraction from having to think about Rey and an encouraging voice when he managed to take ten steps but the eleventh one seems entirely impossible. Finn should be thankful that he's expected to make a full recovery - and he is - but he can't help the bitter pull of frustration when Poe needs to tuck his shoulder under Finn's arm to help him back to the cot.

They call it progress but Finn can't help feel weighed down by the distance steadily growing between him and Rey. Yes, he knows it's going to take time but don't they understand he doesn't have time? Rey is out there and unless he is with her, he can't protect her and he doesn’t want her to go through this alone. 

Finn was conditioned for this. The First Order may have stripped him of everything when he was a child, but they built him up. Taught him to breathe through pain in order to keep fighting, showed him his body wouldn't break under forces he was certain that he couldn't bear. Why then, is it so difficult to walk the perimeter of his kriffing quarters? 

Finn waits until nightfall before shuffling himself to the side of the bed. Once around the room, just once around the room and he can sleep. He can do this, he can do this because Rey and Poe need him to do this. He can do this because he needs to earn his keep instead of taking up a bed. The floor is cold under his bare feet but he digs his heels into the tiles as he readies himself to stand. If he could find the strength to fight for the First Order then he can find the strength to fight for his friends. If he could find the courage to leave the First Order, then he can do whatever he needs to do to find his place here and help his friends.

"You belong here," Finn tells himself a second before he pushes him and up and stands. "You belong here," he repeats again and tries to cling to it.

::

One loop around the perimeter of his room turns into three which turns into five which turns into Finn walking around the base as his strength comes back to him. Though he's still note quite stable on his feet, Finn wouldn't think twice about jumping into a flyer and heading after Rey. Poe was right when he said that they don't give up on their own and Finn sure as the stars doesn't intend on starting now.

Except they lost the map along with Rey and any questions about a duplicate are cut off by General Organa. "She's beyond your help," she consoles, voice still tight with grief. "Rey may not need you right now but _we_ do. Kylo Ren and his master are still out there and if we don't find them before they find Rey and Luke, we risk everything we've fought so hard to gain. You were on the Starkiller, Finn, we need to know everything."

Finn can't quite bring himself to stop the shudder that begins at his toes and travels up his spine until he shakes with it. For the second time in his life, an entire room is turning to him for answers that he doesn’t have to give. Finn can’t even breathe from the pressure of it and he wants to tell General Organa that he can’t do this. He wasn’t meant for this. He’s only ever been good at running and he hasn’t even been successful in that. 

He wants to tell her that he’s heard the whisperings of a darkness like none the galaxy has seen before. It’s coming for them all and there’s so little he thinks they can do about it. 

Finn wants to tell her that they should pack up, find somewhere safe because it’s the best thing they can do, but then his eyes fall onto Poe’s, who’s looking at him so hopefully that Finn swears he’s going to snap from the pressure of it. Poe, who was brave enough to fly straight towards the Starkiller without a guarantee that Finn and Han Solo would successfully turn the shields off because he believed in Finn enough to put his life on the line. And Finn was able to do it, just like he was able to save Rey and overpower Phasma and that all counts for something. 

Finn may not know how he found himself in this position or what he can do to help, but he knows that Rey is out there and Poe will be on the front line of this thing, so he'll do whatever necessary to keep them safe. Thinking back, he can't quite pinpoint when fearing for their lives overshadowed fearing for his own, but then, he's not sure of many things these days. If there is anything that Rey has taught him, it's to jump in with both feet if he can help and that's exactly what Finn needs to do. 

Looking away from Poe, Finn looks towards General Organa. "Tell me what you need me to do."

::

Finn takes breaks from deconstructing mission protocols and telling General Organa everything he can about Kylo Ren, General Hux, and Captain Phasma to walk around the base. It’s a habit he started while he was recovering and enjoys keeping up with now that he's on the mend. He observes people as they interact with one as he walks, watches as they carry out their duties with a self-assurance that undoubtedly comes from routine. Everyone has a place here, an objective to tend to that keeps them busy for the majority of the day. It isn't much different than the Starkiller and the similarity is enough to begin setting Finn at ease.

Watching people while he recuperated quickly turned into watching Poe whenever Finn caught sight of the pilot. There's something about the way Poe fits so perfectly into his skin that draws Finn towards him. Part of him think it's because he wants to know what it's like having that much confidence in your limbs but other thoughts get mixed up and confused in his head. Simple thoughts like being around Poe helps quiet his mind to more obscure thoughts like the day he didn’t want Poe to let go of his shoulder.

It's no different today as Finn takes a few moments to watch the pilot when he nears the hanger. Finn spots Poe leaning against a fighter with a wrench swaying gently from his hand. Pava is elbows deep in the mechanics of her T-70 and while he can't hear what she is saying, there is an easiness between them that comes with familiarity. Poe hands her the wrench when she extends her hand and this is where the similarly between the Resistance base and the Starkiller end. 

Friendships between stormtroopers were not uncommon but there was always the undercurrent of duty that threatened to tear them apart. It was rumored that Captain Phasma could sniff out attachments easier than an anoobas could smell blood. Finn wasn't the first to be subjected to her punishment for showing loyalty to his squad mates and he certainly won't be the last. The relationships between members of the Resistance are what binds them, they are the force that push everyone together and Finn finds himself wishing to be part of it. 

He approaches the pair slowly, hesitant to intrude on their conversation. Pava pulls away from the fighter as Finn draws near, flashing a grin that's not as innocent as Finn thinks she means it to be, "...new recruits can't seem to talk about anything else. If it keeps up, looks like we'll have to change the face of all the posters," she teases, eyes trailing Finn until he comes to a stop at Poe's side. 

Poe raises his eyebrows in greeting as Finn looks between them. 

"Can't say I'd mind," Poe responds, voice light. "There's a lot to be impressed with. If I'm going to be dethroned, there isn’t a better person to take my place.”

"Impressed with what?" Finn asks in an attempt to reel in the conversation.

Pava smiles wider. "I'm surprised it hasn't gotten back to you," she says. "People can't seem to stop talking about -"

"Rey?" His hope practically rips the name from his throat. Rey is the only person worth admiring that's not currently standing in his vicinity and if people are talking then maybe she was able to send news. If she was able to send news -

"You, hot shot," Pava responds, her smile momentarily faltering as she casts Poe a quick glance. "A Stormtrooper working with the Resistance, it's certainly a first and hopefully won't be the last. You could have started something, Finn," she says encouragingly. "Maybe you can let some of the recruits pick your brain after we fly out tomorrow. Should keep you busy while Poe's away." 

"Flying out?" Finn asks, turning deliberately towards Poe. Finn’s not surprised the Resistance needs Poe but he needs him, too. 

Poe nods. "If I could put it off, I would, but it can't be pushed back any longer."

Pava glances between them. “I'm going to find some fluid for this baby," she says as she motions towards the T-70 with her head. "It's good to see you on your feet, Finn. We were getting worried Poe would lead a siege against the medical staff. Looks like his charm only goes so far, after all." She gently touches Poe's elbow before disappearing towards the rear of the hanger. 

With Pava gone, the distance between them suddenly feels small but Finn doesn't make an effort to increase it. He's mostly focused on the fact that Poe is flying out tomorrow and he's being sidelined for the second time. "How soon are you leaving?" Finn asks, unable to keep the unease from his voice. He's already lost Rey, he's not sure he can handle losing Poe, too. 

"At first light," Poe answers, though he seems as uncomfortable with the idea as Finn. "Looks like the General thinks we’ll be able to strike up a trade with a neighboring tribe. If we’re lucky enough, we may even be able to get them to work with us. They’re small, but enough traders head through their markets that they may come across valuable intel.” He taps Finn’s shoulder as though he can pick up on Finn’s unease. “It shouldn’t take long, I’ll be back before nightfall.”

Finn can’t help but shake his head. "Rey is tracking Luke Skywalker, you’re securing alliance, and I’m stuck here. I can't even walk around the compound without needing to sit down."

Poe's brows furrow together: "You saved our lives Finn, without you, I would never have escaped the Starkiller and who knows what would have happened to Rey. There's no shame in recuperating, especially after a fight like that. Besides, the General needs you here; she knows that she's doing.”

Finn nods but can’t help thinking he would rather head off with Poe.

::

As it stands, Poe doesn't return by nightfall. It would be okay, really, it would, but he doesn't return the next morning either.

Finn focuses on looking through various maps that have been collected by the Resistance, all charting territories where General Hux may have retreated to, in an attempt not to think about it. Only he can't stop thinking about it, just like he can't stop himself from thinking about Rey, and how is he supposed to keep the people he cares about safe if they keep running off and leaving him alone on the base. The thoughts have settled themselves in the back of his head like a migraine and every time he thinks to move, to breathe, to eat, it flares up and consumes him. 

He may not like remaining on base while his friends are putting themselves in harm’s way, but if he needs to remain here until he’s well enough to join them, Finn has resigned himself to that fate. The least he can do is look over schematics and intercepted messages in an attempt to figure out where the remaining troops are holed up. Gathering information was the least of his concerns, if he just took more time to prepare himself - but prepare himself for what? he was supposed to be in the Other Territories, not supplying General Organa with information he didn't know he was going to need.

"Kriffling," he snaps, balling his hands into fists as he puts them on a table. 

"Is this a bad time?" a voice asks from behind. 

Turning, he sees General Organa walk into the room and he's thankful she's not being followed. "General," he mutters, "I'm-"

"Having a rough moment," she says, too understanding by far. "We all have them. Unfortunately for everyone, it seems like more are heading of us. And here I thought the roughest times were over."

Finn almost expects to see the weariness reflected in her eyes, but when he looks at the General, he knows she's going to meet the threat head on. He can see it in the set of her shoulders, the subtle raise of her chin. Whatever the First Order is going to throw at Leia Organa, she will not back down. Finn supposes it's simply not in her nature. "I can see why Poe follows you," Finn finds himself saying.

General Organa smiles. "I can see why he admires you too, Finn. Poe's many things," she continues and Finn needs to refrain himself from reminding her that one of those things is missing, "and being a good judge of character is one of them."

Finn shakes his head. "I'm not sure what Poe sees in me," he confesses, "half the time I feel like a glorified janitor." As if Captain Phasma was intentionally trying to keep Finn isolated from the other troopers. He was nothing more than someone to tend messes, her own messes when she was feeling particularly vengeful over something Finn did on training missions. He can't count how many times the other troopers would laugh at him for cleaning her quarters and - _oh_ he thinks straightening his back. "Trinka," he suddenly says, thinking back to a map he once found in her quarters, "there was a map of Trinka on her table."

:: 

It's impossible not to turn his head in response to BB-8's chirps as the droid quickly rolls to him in greeting. Running his hand down the droids head, Finn quickly heads towards to the hanger. Reaching for Poe on instinct, Finn grabs his forearms in greeting. Poe smells like oil and metal and a forest Finn's only just becoming familiar with. It's too soon, and not soon enough, but it's exactly what Finn wants to smell when he thinks of home. There won't be a chance of being familiar with it if the First Order wins and he's determined to stop that from happening at all costs.

When Poe's hands come up to mirror his own, solid and real and here, Finn can finally let out a breath that he's been storing in the core of his chest. 

"Back by nightfall," Finn says with a shake of his head. "Do your missions ever go as planned?"

"What would be the fun if they did?" Poe responds and Finn swears he may cry from the relief of it all. It's then that he notices they're still entwined in one another and there's a brief and nearly inaudible thought that he should let go. The thought is quickly followed by the realization that Poe hasn't moved to separate himself either. "We thought he were being followed and had to veer of course for a bit to be sure. Nothing we couldn't handle.” 

Poe looks at him in a way that makes his breathe catch. It makes Finn feel both safe and terrified and - 

"Dameron," Pava calls from the right, “Debriefing with the General and then reunion.”

:: 

"The General said you may have pointed us in the right direction,” Poe says when they are back together. They're sitting just outside the perimeter of the camp, Poe's legs stretched out in front of him. "We'll be sending some troops in for reconnaissance.”

Finn nods; he's sitting next to Poe, back against the stump of a tree. It doesn't feel fair that he's just beginning to experience new territories and they are on the brink of disappearing. The part of him that wishes he had found the courage to leave the First Order sooner is slowly fading, but he can’t help wishing he had more time to indulge himself in this new world. "It's just something I remembered seeing on the table, could have been anything."

"There you go, selling yourself short again," Poe says with a quiet sigh. "Maybe it's nothing but it could also be exactly what we need," Poe replies and even though Finn knows it's not that simple, he lets the thought lull him into relaxation. Shifting his weight so he can lean further back, Finn's shoulder bumps against Poe's and he leaves it there. Though he wishes it wasn't true, General Organa is likely right in assuming harder times are going to fall on them, and if that's the case, Finn is going to take comfort where he can find it. 

Briefly sparing a glance towards Poe, he sees the pilot smiling at him but it’s not punctuated by the charisma that he broadcasts for the world. There’s something gentle in the twist of his lips, something raw and open and it makes Finn think it's just for him.

"Are you going to be leading the reconnaissance?" Finn asks although he already knows the answer. 

Poe shrugs a shoulder. "If they need me to," he answers honestly, "and if you're up for it, I suppose I can leave the Black One behind for _one_ trip."

The promise of getting himself back on his feet is a welcomed one, but it's not something Finn wants to think about right now. For now, he's content to sit in Poe's presence and allow the pilot's company to take the edge away from his own exhaustion. He doesn't miss the way the slopes of Poe's shoulders drop against his and basks in the knowledge that he can provide the same comfort for his friend. 

They're silent for a moment and Finn takes the time to wonder at the fact that he’s leaning against the same man he was supposed to be shooting back at the start. If there's one thing Finn has learned it's that anyone can shape the course of their future to be whoever they want to be. It's a sentiment he would like to one day bring to the Stormtroopers but he's a world away from making that a reality. For now, he needs to settle for the fact that he was wise enough to listen to his gut instead of an order and both he and Poe are alive because of it. 

The thought of losing Poe has his body working on automatic. Finn shifts until he can comfortably bring his hand to trace the mark left behind by Kylo Ren’s arm and promises himself he will never willingly put Poe in the position to be harmed again. “I should have shot him when I had the chance,” Finn says and he means it. 

Not just for Poe but for Rey, as well. Even if it would mean him dying, he would give everything to spare his friends another moment of pain.

Poe closes his eyes as Finn’s fingers work their way down his face. Embolden by Poe’s acceptance of this all, Finn allows his hand to gentle cup Poe's cheek. “You were a terrible shot, would have missed ” Poe half-jokes because they both know what could have happened if Finn decided he didn’t have a choice but to shoot at Poe that night. 

Finn doesn't know what sparks it, but It's suddenly easy to move his head towards Poe, easier still to close the distance between them when the pilot tilts his head in response to Finn's movement. It's soft and sweet and so terribly new that Finn almost doesn't know what to do with it until he feels a hand cup the side of his face, too. The extra contact grounds him, prompts him to deepen the kiss until he feels the flicker of a tongue tracing his lips and he loses himself in Poe. 

Poe’s slow to move away when they part, deciding to lean his forehead against Finn’s instead of moving away entirely. “Listen, he says, quietly, “this is probably not the best timing, but what about Rey?”

Finn feels Poe tense at the name. “She’s out there and,” he trails off in an attempt to find the right set of words to explain the situation. The truth is, he’s not sure what this means or what she means outside of the fact that he needs to find her. Rey burrowed into his skin and planted seeds of hope that he was sure stopped existing. Hope for Finn which have sprouted into hope for the galaxy. Were these different times, maybe Finn would have more time to settle the thoughts in his head, but there isn’t time and he’s not going to waste the time he does have wondering about what could have been. Not when Poe can fly out tomorrow, not when there’s so little time to explore everything Finn wants to explore. “She’s out there,” he repeats, “and I’m not sure what that means but I know things are better when you’re here and I want to make the best of what we have now.”

Poe nods, the tips of his lips twitching into a small smile. “I can work with that,” he says, bringing his hand back towards Finn’s face. “We can work with that.”


End file.
